Forgiveness.

Forgive me, I may have wrote about this before, but I think it is something worth revisiting, if only to help clear my mind and pour my heart out.

I am a fairly forgiving guy. I'v had my fair share of back stabs, heart aches, disappointments, lost friendships, etc. Some have take time, others have been fairly quick, but I have forgiven everyone. Not simply the forgiveness in word only, but actual forgiveness; the type where you treat the person as if they never harmed you in the first place. I can do this for every single person who has ever done wrong to me.

Except for one guy. I think we all have this person in our life. It is that one person who gets underneath your skin, no matter what he or she does. He may open his mouth, and it sound like nails scratching on the chalk board to you. She may walk by you, and you get that terrible knot inside. Or perhaps his name is simply mentioned, and you feel the uncontrollable rage to blot him from all of existence for all of eternity. Needless to say, this person has become quite a problem for me. I really hate even being in the same room as them. If I didn't have such restraint, I'd punch them in the face just for showing their face around me!!!

Okay, maybe I am exaggerating a bit. However, I said that to make a point. This point is that this person is very hard for me to see favorable, and even forgive them for how they've screwed up my life. This person is ME.

I don't intend for this to be a pity post. Trust me; I don't like wallowing in sorrow. However, I did find myself in that a bit tonight, and it highlighted something that I've known to be true for a while. I simply cannot let go of my past mistakes. This is a big problem for me. I claim to be a Christ follower. As a Christ follower, I proclaim quite boldly that Jesus took upon himself all the my sins and my failures, and drank the wrath of the Father, in my place. This is basic Christianity 101. Yet, I have such trouble with this fundamental.

How can Christ forgive me, if I can't forgive myself? Further, how can I even begin to think I can be used by Him in the future, if I can't let go of the past, here in the present? See, I have knowledge this mindset is very wrong. Knowledge of a situation is different from changing said situation, though.

How do I forgive myself for not being able to keep my family together? How do I forgive wasting two years of my life, resulting in the loss of many dears things to me? How do I forgive the inaction that led to me becoming stagnant? How do I forgive myself for allowing my ex to think I wasn't worth the time and effort anymore? How do I move on from these pains that I have caused myself? How do I right my wrongs? What does it take to erase these memories?

I have so many things to let go, but I simply cannot, and I don't know why. Only a fool would hold on to his chains when he's been released from prison. Yet, I know I embrace these chains of my past, when I should be embracing the cross. The cross is where all this oppression was put to death once and for all, for those in Christ Jesus. And here I am, chains around my legs, grasping all I can, to hold on the Cross of Christ. Either these chains will break, or my strength will run dry and I will lose my grip. Either way, this stretching must stop soon.

This is what I ask: PRAYER. I know it may sound cliche. Yet, prayers have saved me before, and I know they will serve the same purpose now. I need prayers, not for self confidence or anything. Be that far from my mind, so I may focus on Christ and boast in Him. No, instead, pray that God would crush the enemy who whispers condemnation and regret into my ear. Pray that I am given comfort by the Spirit. Pray that He would always let me remember what the truth of the sacrifice means to me, a humbled sinner. Let it remind me that I don't have to keep strapping these chains back on my legs, for Christ holds the key to freedom.

I don't want to keep this fight up anymore.

I want to let go of the pain and hurt that I have caused myself.

I want to let the memories bring joy and not sorrow.

I want to forgive myself, and move on to enjoy the bountiful blessings the Lord has given me.

Blessings,
Thomas