That Time I saw Jesus

I've had the desire to be artistic the last few days. I even went out to buy a pack of new pencils to help me find my hidden drawing skills. Sadly, this is not a God-given talent that I have, nor will I ever have. I think I have to give up on being an artist, and according to my wife, I also have to give up on my dream of being a singer. Ouch.

However, if I were an artist there would be a masterpiece that I would spend all my time on. This image is one burned in my deep into my mind, probably until my last breath upon this earth. Much like I can close my eyes and see my mother or my father, or even my darling girls, I close my eyes and this image explodes in my mind. This image is of the time I saw Jesus.

Well, I sort of saw Jesus. Not like face to face, in real time, but I did see him in a very special dream. I had this dream probably 10 years ago, but I feel it is just as relevant to me now as it was then.

In this dream, I was the commander of a military. I was riding on horseback, leading my troops away from the safety of our homes towards a very volatile location.We knew that we were riding into battle, but everyone was very confident in their skills, weapons, and armor. Above all, I believe they had confidence in me as a commander.

As we rode on, we began to encounter tall grass, which slowed down our movements and limited our sight. Eventually, we could not move on, before us was a barrier of grass/weeds, bamboo and trees. Behind us was the brightness of the daylight; before us lay a deep darkness. It was a darkness that could not be penetrated, but instead penetrated our hearts and minds, causing fear.

Suddenly, the ground began to shake and rumble. The sound of a multitude of evil was coming straight toward us. I gave orders to prepare ourselves for the incoming enemies, but as sudden as the sound began, it then ended. We awaited nervously for something to happen.

Out of the darkness, we  then saw balls of red form up and come closer to us. The sound began again, and several people ran away in fear. Then, out of the darkness came spears thrown from the enemy. All around me, my troops were slain, and routing in defeating. I did the only logical thing to do and called for the retreat. The few of us remained ran and rode away as fast as we could, not looking back to see our attackers.

As we got further away from the scene of the battle, I looked up and saw what appeared to be a scene out of Lord of the Rings (I actually stopped here to go watch that scene. You should too). Ahead of me was an army far greater that I have ever seen, and they were charging my way. At the forefront was a man dressed in the whitest garments I have even seen, so much that the shone in sunlight. He rode upon a white horse, and held a double-edged sword. I could not make out his face, but I felt that I knew who he was.

The distance between us shrunk rapidly, and soon they were on top of us. At the last minute the man reached down his hand to me, and picked me up to ride with him. It was at this point that I saw his face. My own words cannot describe what I saw, but I feel that the 1st chapter of Revelation has a good description.

"The hairs of his head were white, like white wool, like snow. His eyes were like a flame of fire...and his face was like the sun shining in full strength."

It was the most spectacular scene in my life, dreaming or reality. It felt as if time stopped, for me to catch that glimpse of him. To have my eyes meet his eyes.

 Even though my eyes have seen so many different human representations of Jesus, this didn't look like any of them, but I knew it was him. I knew this was the same Jesus that spoke shocking truths in temples, healed the sick, and rose from the dead.

After that moment of seeing his face, I was on his horse with him riding back into the battle. He told me "Do not be afraid, for this battle is already finished and I have already won".

The next thing I know is that we rode straight into the evil creatures, and they were instantly vanquished. And I remember seeing them, and they were not as I originally imagined. They were very short, ugly, and fat creatures; more comical than diabolical. But I never knew that, as I let fear get hold of me and I ran away.

That was the only time I saw Jesus' face in the dream. The rest of the dream is a little bit blurry to me, but I remember he said something else, and I went to another location.

This dream came to me at a critical time in my life. I had recently became serious about following after Jesus, and had a serious of bad things happen in my personal life. Top that off with my lackluster college performance and a bout of depression, and I wasn't in a good place. It would have been easy to give up on life, and I wanted to. Yet, God gave me this dream of hope to see me through those dark times.

I believe this dream was meant to speak to me then, and it is meant to speak to me now,  as well as in the future. The past 12 months have been among my darkest in this life. I have been tried as I never have before. Some of it has been brought on by myself, but much of it is out of my hands. With so much going on, it would be easy to slip back into that mindset of giving up and running away. How I want to some days!

Yet, I know that my God has already won my battles and defeated my enemies. I know that I am secured with him riding before me. On my own, I might fail myself and others, but Jesus redeems me and uses my failures for his glory and turns them into his victories. And he shares those victories with me.

He says "Fear not, I am the first and the last, and the living one. I died, and behold I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of Death and Hades"

Seeing Jesus was one of the most amazing moments of my life. But it was only that time. I doubt I will see him again until I pass or he returns to this earth. But, I know that everyday I can still experience his presence, hear his words, model his life, and live life free of fear and guilt.

How great it is to be found in Him, and to be loved by Him!

Just some thoughts on this Good Friday.

Just some thoughts on this Good Friday.

The Jewish leaders looked at the cross that day, and saw a blasphemer, one who came to lead the people astray.

The Romans looked at the cross and saw a philosopher and political opponent whose message undermined the power Caesar, the true divine man.

Muslims look at the cross and see a lie, because Allah would never hand over their beloved Prophet Isa ibn Maryam to the evil men of this world.

Atheists will look at the cross and not see a crucifixion, but a cruci-fiction. The cross is as empty and bare as the promises of religion.

Others look at the cross, and see the statue of a man, frozen in time, distant and far away from all of us.

My brothers and sisters look at the cross and see hope and salvation for all of mankind.

Truthfully, though, I look at the cross and see my guilt and shame, being worn by an innocent man. I see injustice being handed out for my crimes, which deserve justice.

Every foul thought is a thorn, cutting into his head.

Every lie from lips is the vinegar water put in his mouth.

The sins I have crafted with this hands and the forbidden paths I have walked, are the nails going deeper through his flesh.

My heart is torn in half like the veil, as I contemplate all the mockery, shame, pain, and death that is due to me, but taken by him.

When I look at that cross, I see myself; the very essence of who I am, my nature, hanging upon that old rugged cross. But it isn’t I hanging exposed for the world to see.  It is “he who knew no sin”, Jesus.

He did not curse those I have cursed.

He did not lust after that for which I have lusted.

He did not speak ill things about others, or harbor resentment against those that I have.

He knew none of these things, but he suffered for them, that I could be considered clean in the eyes of God.

Why should the innocent suffer for me?

The easy answer is to say “love”, but do I know such a love? This love is too much of a mystery for me, and I fear my mind will never grasp it. It is too deep, too high, too far, too wide for this feeble man to understand.

But I do know this much: At one time, we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! The old life has passed, and a new life has begun! And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us to himself through Christ.  And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him.  For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. And we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!” (2 Cor. 5:16 – 20, NLT)

So, that is me. I have been made clean, and called to plea with others to come back. Called to see what SHOULD have been, and what is. Called to embrace this new life in Christ, and let the old perish. Called to be reconciled to others, and to God. Called to be compelled by his great, mysterious love.

Have a blessed Good Friday.

To Sink or Swim

Several years back, I found myself in the Ozarks of Missouri. I’d been chosen to lead in a campus ministry at Western Illinois University (my alma mater), and this was the annual leader retreat. It was scheduled to be a beautiful time away from the stresses of busy campus life. And for the most part, it was.

That is, until I almost drowned.

No seriously, I almost drowned!

I am sure you are curious about how I almost became fish food, so here is a recap. This was almost 10 years ago, so all of the details my not be the most accurate, but I tried to remember it as best possible.

It was the middle of summer. The sun was bright and warm, and the water was cool and refreshing. In each canoe, two or three people sat grouped together. Up and down the river (I forget which), there were cheerful conversations, and plenty of laughs. Every now and then, you’d even hear a few high-pitched screams as a couple of guys would purposely flip their canoes to send girls overboard into the river. Because, college.

After stopping a while for lunch, and to let some of the more adventurous students jump off a cliff into the river, we all got back in our canoes to head to the destination point.

This is where things got a bit tricky.

A few days prior to our arrival, a good rain storm came through the area and left the river a little bit extra flooded. So, the river ended up being fiercer the further we got down it. At one point, the water funneled between two rocks that the canoes were supposed to go through. However, because of the current, one canoe got trapped sideways against the rocks instead of going through them. The next canoe came up quick, smashing into side and flipping the canoe over. 2 or 3 of the canoers came up immediately, but we could not find the one girl, Anna, who could not swim. Everyone began frantically searching under the water to find her, and couldn’t. Eventually, someone found out that she had been trapped under the flipped canoe, safe and sound, though a little shaken.

In the process of trying to find Anna, I jumped out of my canoe to aid in the rescue. I was trying to be a hero, but I ended up being stupid. It was only a matter of moments before Anna came out of the capsized canoe. So, since I was already out, I volunteered to swim after one of the canoe paddles that was floating down the river. Stupid mistake #1 was jumping out of the canoe without a life jacket (pro-tip, always wear a life jacket when you are in a boat). But that is okay, I was a decent swimmer.

Well, stupid mistake #2 was that I jumped in with my shoes on. If you didn’t know, shoes get heavy quick in the water. Suddenly, I found myself in a part of the river that was engorged, and I was in the middle with tired, heavy legs, and no flotation device. As the sinking realization of my predicament came over me, I realized that I, too, was physically sinking in the water. It was at this point, I made the third stupid mistake; I panicked. That only caused me to flop around, expending the little precious energy I had left. So, I sank. Sank. Sank.

Then I hit the bottom.

In shear desperation, I did the only think I could think of: use the river bottom as spring board. I pushed myself up as hard as I could, and I burst through the dark waters into the light. In that moment, I looked around me, and I saw people going on as if I wasn’t in danger of drowning. I remember even seeing an older man who wasn’t part of our group that went by me as I was yelling for help and struggling in the water. He didn’t stop, or even slow down. He looked at me, and passed on by. It was at this point that I truly believed I was finished.

But, yet again, my instincts kicked in as I (more calmly) allowed myself to sink to the river bottom again. This time, I propelled myself up, and to the side. My only hope was to try to get to shore. For the next minute or two, I continued this process of sinking into the water and propelling to the side. Finally, I got to a point that I could grab on a fallen tree dipping into the water. I clung to that tree as if it was my entire world. I was safe. I was not dead. That tree was my refuge.

The story doesn’t end there. I waited in the water hanging onto that tree for a few minutes until the canoe entanglement got straightened up. Finally, my fellow canoers steered the boat towards me. And then my head got smashed between the tree and boat. Despite probably having a concussion, I was able to grab on to the boat and float to the end point, just a few minutes further down the river. Once I got to land, I just sat there in a bit of shock. The most shocking part was that not a single person had even asked me if I was okay. I don’t know if they knew I was on the verge of dying a few moments before. I stayed in that dazed, shock like state for the ride back to the cabins.

Now, I am sure you might have a few questions.

• Why didn’t I wear a life jacket? Well, I was being super cool college guy, of course.
• Why didn’t I take my shoes off before jumping into the water? In my moment of pretending to be a hero, I was caught up in being in the water and doing water rescue stuff. I have never done a water rescue, so that bit about stripping down to the necessary layer was a bit beyond me.
• Why didn’t I take my shoes off once I was in the water? Uh, because I grew up poor, and you just don’t let your shoes float down the river. 
• Why did I wear shoes at all? I hate feet, and people seeing my feet. Fair enough?
• Why did I tell this story?

Well, that is the important question. I told this story in a way to explain how I currently feel in my life. People don’t always know how to relate to certain emotions, but I think most people can imagine the feeling of the fear and despair while drowning. It is a fear that most people have. It seems like a terrible way to die.

Anyway, up until December 1^st, 2016, my life was like that nice, warm, sunny day. Sure, I was going into some rough waters with twin baby girls on the way, but it was a fun trip. I couldn’t be happier to be on that trip. But something happened. My life got toppled over, and I fell into the water, with so many things weighing me down. Who will take care of the funeral arrangements? How will we pay for everything? Where will we bury them? When will we get back to work to ensure continuity of paychecks to survive? How am I going to entertain all the friends and family who will visit? How can I look strong to make people think I have it together? How can I truly be strong to help my hurting wife? How can I be strong to help my grieving family, who has already lost so much? All of this were like wet, heavy shoes stopping me from swimming, and causing me to sink.

I admit, I think I put on a good show. I spoke very boldly about praising God through the pain. There was a lot of talk about lifting Him up, but on the inside I kept sinking deeper. That isn't to say that I don't believe those things I said.  I did mean so much of it. I try my best to lift the Lord above all things. I know He is the one who gives me every breath, and to him everything I own is owed (and more). I truly want(ed) to be that strong rock, but like the Peter (the rock), I sank in beneath the wind and waves.

I hate to say this, but I have even felt that God has been like the man who passed me in the river. He could have intervened at any time, but has just watched as I struggle to stay in the light, gasping for breath. If that is a sinful thought, Lord forgive me.

I hate even more to say that I have felt that just as my college friends didn’t see the extent to which I was shaken up by the river incident, my community truly hasn’t seen the extent to which I have been shaken by the deaths of our girls. This, of course, isn't on them. My community has been wonderful in reaching out and supporting us. I, however, have a rough time letting people in to my mind or heart. If it wasn't for writing, I doubt I'd ever get anything thing out.

I've realized how unhealthy this is, just this week. I went to the doctor for some issues that seemed related to my heart. It turns out that I am apparently very tense and stressed. I am probably riddled with anxiety. Sorrow is just behind a door, ready to burst through at any moment. Luckily, I am pretty good at not crying in front of people.  However, as I was waiting for the doctor to come into my room to perform a simple check-up, my eyes began to fill with water. All I could think about was my girls. 

There have even been times that I have almost lost it at work. I sit there in a daze, and only they come to my mind. Everything about them sits there stirring; the reality of their loss, seeing them motionless on the ultrasound, the lost hopes and dreams that I had for their future. I will never hear them call me papi, say their prayers, or walk them down the aisle. The one thing I ever wanted to do is to be a daddy, and that desire was stolen away from me.

On top of this, I have had the horrible realization that death will only continue to get worse as I age. In 2016, people experienced a lot of loss. I found out that someone that I had been close to, and looked up to, had gone missing and then was found dead. My dad and stepmom then lost their baby boy, a little brother that I will never get see grow up. And of course, our girls passed just two weeks before their delivery.  If 2016 was that bad, the future will only be worse. If I manage to live a while, I will see more friends pass.  Then comes my elderly family, and mentors. Then my parents. Maybe my own wife, or my siblings. Death doesn't scare me personally, but I fear so much the loss of those around me, and this fear keeps me up at night.

I feel as if all of this will move me to the edge, at some point.

Yet, I know that instead of being like stupid me in the river, trying to work my distress out on my own, I need to be like Peter sinking below the waves. As he sank to his doom, Scripture says the following: “he (Peter) cried out ‘Lord, save me’. Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying ‘Why did you doubt?’ Then they got into the boat, and the wind ceased. Those in the boat worshiped him, saying ‘Truly, you are the Son of God.’”

I have been sinking, almost to a point where I would be stuck in the mud on the bottom. Instead, I know that I must continue to cry out to the Lord, asking for his hand of mercy and salvation, to pull me out of the water. I need to remember that he is truly the Son of God, and that I should not doubt. I need to remember he is the God of life, and not of death.

That is the hard part. Just calming myself, and letting him take control. I know I SHOULD do it, but it is a matter of actually going through with it.

If anyone reads this, I want them to know that yes, I am sad. I am crushed. I feel like it is never going to end in my mind. BUT, I am not giving up on life. I am not giving up on my family. I am not giving up on God. I just need to say what's been eating away at me. It is how I release my stress, and deal with my situations.

If you feel that I have been in a funk, or acting weird - don't worry, I know. Just please bear with me while I try to let things get worked out in my heart and my head. I promise I will do my best not let things get the better part of me.