Several years back, I found myself in
the Ozarks of Missouri. I’d been chosen to lead in a campus
ministry at Western Illinois University (my alma mater), and this was
the annual leader retreat. It was scheduled to be a beautiful time
away from the stresses of busy campus life. And for the most part,
it was.
That is, until I almost drowned.
No seriously, I almost drowned!
I am sure you are curious about how I almost became fish food, so here is a recap. This was almost 10 years ago, so all of the details my not be the most accurate, but I tried to remember it as best possible.
That is, until I almost drowned.
No seriously, I almost drowned!
I am sure you are curious about how I almost became fish food, so here is a recap. This was almost 10 years ago, so all of the details my not be the most accurate, but I tried to remember it as best possible.
It was the middle of summer. The sun was bright and warm,
and the water was cool and refreshing. In each canoe, two or three people sat grouped together. Up and down the river (I forget which),
there were cheerful conversations, and plenty of laughs. Every now
and then, you’d even hear a few high-pitched screams as a couple of
guys would purposely flip their canoes to send girls overboard into
the river. Because, college.
After stopping a while for lunch, and to let some of the more adventurous students jump off a cliff into the river, we all got back in our canoes to head to the destination point.
This is where things got a bit tricky.
A few days prior to our arrival, a good rain storm came through the area and left the river a little bit extra flooded. So, the river ended up being fiercer the further we got down it. At one point, the water funneled between two rocks that the canoes were supposed to go through. However, because of the current, one canoe got trapped sideways against the rocks instead of going through them. The next canoe came up quick, smashing into side and flipping the canoe over. 2 or 3 of the canoers came up immediately, but we could not find the one girl, Anna, who could not swim. Everyone began frantically searching under the water to find her, and couldn’t. Eventually, someone found out that she had been trapped under the flipped canoe, safe and sound, though a little shaken.
In the process of trying to find Anna, I jumped out of my canoe to aid in the rescue. I was trying to be a hero, but I ended up being stupid. It was only a matter of moments before Anna came out of the capsized canoe. So, since I was already out, I volunteered to swim after one of the canoe paddles that was floating down the river. Stupid mistake #1 was jumping out of the canoe without a life jacket (pro-tip, always wear a life jacket when you are in a boat). But that is okay, I was a decent swimmer.
After stopping a while for lunch, and to let some of the more adventurous students jump off a cliff into the river, we all got back in our canoes to head to the destination point.
This is where things got a bit tricky.
A few days prior to our arrival, a good rain storm came through the area and left the river a little bit extra flooded. So, the river ended up being fiercer the further we got down it. At one point, the water funneled between two rocks that the canoes were supposed to go through. However, because of the current, one canoe got trapped sideways against the rocks instead of going through them. The next canoe came up quick, smashing into side and flipping the canoe over. 2 or 3 of the canoers came up immediately, but we could not find the one girl, Anna, who could not swim. Everyone began frantically searching under the water to find her, and couldn’t. Eventually, someone found out that she had been trapped under the flipped canoe, safe and sound, though a little shaken.
In the process of trying to find Anna, I jumped out of my canoe to aid in the rescue. I was trying to be a hero, but I ended up being stupid. It was only a matter of moments before Anna came out of the capsized canoe. So, since I was already out, I volunteered to swim after one of the canoe paddles that was floating down the river. Stupid mistake #1 was jumping out of the canoe without a life jacket (pro-tip, always wear a life jacket when you are in a boat). But that is okay, I was a decent swimmer.
Well, stupid mistake #2 was that I
jumped in with my shoes on. If you didn’t know, shoes get heavy
quick in the water. Suddenly, I found myself in a part of the river
that was engorged, and I was in the middle with tired, heavy legs,
and no flotation device. As the sinking realization of my predicament
came over me, I realized that I, too, was physically sinking in the
water. It was at this point, I made the third stupid mistake; I
panicked. That only caused me to flop around, expending the
little precious energy I had left. So, I sank. Sank. Sank.
Then I hit the bottom.
In shear desperation, I did the only think I could think of: use the river bottom as spring board. I pushed myself up as hard as I could, and I burst through the dark waters into the light. In that moment, I looked around me, and I saw people going on as if I wasn’t in danger of drowning. I remember even seeing an older man who wasn’t part of our group that went by me as I was yelling for help and struggling in the water. He didn’t stop, or even slow down. He looked at me, and passed on by. It was at this point that I truly believed I was finished.
But, yet again, my instincts kicked in as I (more calmly) allowed myself to sink to the river bottom again. This time, I propelled myself up, and to the side. My only hope was to try to get to shore. For the next minute or two, I continued this process of sinking into the water and propelling to the side. Finally, I got to a point that I could grab on a fallen tree dipping into the water. I clung to that tree as if it was my entire world. I was safe. I was not dead. That tree was my refuge.
The story doesn’t end there. I waited in the water hanging onto that tree for a few minutes until the canoe entanglement got straightened up. Finally, my fellow canoers steered the boat towards me. And then my head got smashed between the tree and boat. Despite probably having a concussion, I was able to grab on to the boat and float to the end point, just a few minutes further down the river. Once I got to land, I just sat there in a bit of shock. The most shocking part was that not a single person had even asked me if I was okay. I don’t know if they knew I was on the verge of dying a few moments before. I stayed in that dazed, shock like state for the ride back to the cabins.
Now, I am sure you might have a few questions.
In shear desperation, I did the only think I could think of: use the river bottom as spring board. I pushed myself up as hard as I could, and I burst through the dark waters into the light. In that moment, I looked around me, and I saw people going on as if I wasn’t in danger of drowning. I remember even seeing an older man who wasn’t part of our group that went by me as I was yelling for help and struggling in the water. He didn’t stop, or even slow down. He looked at me, and passed on by. It was at this point that I truly believed I was finished.
But, yet again, my instincts kicked in as I (more calmly) allowed myself to sink to the river bottom again. This time, I propelled myself up, and to the side. My only hope was to try to get to shore. For the next minute or two, I continued this process of sinking into the water and propelling to the side. Finally, I got to a point that I could grab on a fallen tree dipping into the water. I clung to that tree as if it was my entire world. I was safe. I was not dead. That tree was my refuge.
The story doesn’t end there. I waited in the water hanging onto that tree for a few minutes until the canoe entanglement got straightened up. Finally, my fellow canoers steered the boat towards me. And then my head got smashed between the tree and boat. Despite probably having a concussion, I was able to grab on to the boat and float to the end point, just a few minutes further down the river. Once I got to land, I just sat there in a bit of shock. The most shocking part was that not a single person had even asked me if I was okay. I don’t know if they knew I was on the verge of dying a few moments before. I stayed in that dazed, shock like state for the ride back to the cabins.
Now, I am sure you might have a few questions.
- Why didn’t I wear a life jacket? Well, I was being super cool college guy, of course.
- Why didn’t I take my shoes off before jumping into the water? In my moment of pretending to be a hero, I was caught up in being in the water and doing water rescue stuff. I have never done a water rescue, so that bit about stripping down to the necessary layer was a bit beyond me.
- Why didn’t I take my shoes off once I was in the water? Uh, because I grew up poor, and you just don’t let your shoes float down the river.
- Why did I wear shoes at all? I hate feet, and people seeing my feet. Fair enough?
- Why did I tell this story?
Well, that is the important question. I
told this story in a way to explain how I currently feel in my life.
People don’t always know how to relate to certain emotions, but I
think most people can imagine the feeling of the fear and despair while drowning. It is a fear that
most people have. It seems like a terrible way to die.
Anyway, up until December 1st,
2016, my life was like that nice, warm, sunny day. Sure, I was going into some
rough waters with twin baby girls on the way, but it was a fun trip.
I couldn’t be happier to be on that trip. But something happened.
My life got toppled over, and I fell into the water, with so many
things weighing me down. Who will take care of the funeral
arrangements? How will we pay for everything? Where will we bury them? When will we get back to work to ensure continuity of paychecks to survive? How am
I going to entertain all the friends and family who will visit? How
can I look strong to make people think I have it together? How can I
truly be strong to help my hurting wife? How can I be strong to help
my grieving family, who has already lost so much? All of this were like wet, heavy shoes stopping me from swimming, and causing me to sink.
I admit, I think I put on a good show. I spoke very boldly about praising God through the pain. There was a lot of talk about lifting Him up, but on the inside I kept sinking deeper. That isn't to say that I don't believe those things I said. I did mean so much of it. I try my best to lift the Lord above all things. I know He is the one who gives me every breath, and to him everything I own is owed (and more). I truly want(ed) to be that strong rock, but like the Peter (the rock), I sank in beneath the wind and waves.
I admit, I think I put on a good show. I spoke very boldly about praising God through the pain. There was a lot of talk about lifting Him up, but on the inside I kept sinking deeper. That isn't to say that I don't believe those things I said. I did mean so much of it. I try my best to lift the Lord above all things. I know He is the one who gives me every breath, and to him everything I own is owed (and more). I truly want(ed) to be that strong rock, but like the Peter (the rock), I sank in beneath the wind and waves.
I hate to say this, but I have even felt that God has been like the man who passed me in the river. He
could have intervened at any time, but has just watched as I
struggle to stay in the light, gasping for breath. If that is a
sinful thought, Lord forgive me.
I hate even more to say that I have felt that just as my college friends didn’t see the extent to which I was shaken up by the river incident, my community truly hasn’t seen the extent to which I have been shaken by the deaths of our girls. This, of course, isn't on them. My community has been wonderful in reaching out and supporting us. I, however, have a rough time letting people in to my mind or heart. If it wasn't for writing, I doubt I'd ever get anything thing out.
I've realized how unhealthy this is, just this week. I went to the doctor for some issues that seemed related to my heart. It turns out that I am apparently very tense and stressed. I am probably riddled with anxiety. Sorrow is just behind a door, ready to burst through at any moment. Luckily, I am pretty good at not crying in front of people. However, as I was waiting for the doctor to come into my room to perform a simple check-up, my eyes began to fill with water. All I could think about was my girls.
I hate even more to say that I have felt that just as my college friends didn’t see the extent to which I was shaken up by the river incident, my community truly hasn’t seen the extent to which I have been shaken by the deaths of our girls. This, of course, isn't on them. My community has been wonderful in reaching out and supporting us. I, however, have a rough time letting people in to my mind or heart. If it wasn't for writing, I doubt I'd ever get anything thing out.
I've realized how unhealthy this is, just this week. I went to the doctor for some issues that seemed related to my heart. It turns out that I am apparently very tense and stressed. I am probably riddled with anxiety. Sorrow is just behind a door, ready to burst through at any moment. Luckily, I am pretty good at not crying in front of people. However, as I was waiting for the doctor to come into my room to perform a simple check-up, my eyes began to fill with water. All I could think about was my girls.
There have even
been times that I have almost lost it at work. I sit there in a daze,
and only they come to my mind. Everything about them sits there
stirring; the reality of their loss, seeing them motionless on the
ultrasound, the lost hopes and dreams that I had for their future. I will never hear them call me papi, say their prayers, or walk them down the aisle. The one thing I ever wanted to do is to be a daddy, and that desire was stolen away from me.
On top of this, I have had the horrible realization that death will only continue to get worse as I age. In 2016, people experienced a lot of loss. I found out that someone that I had been close to, and looked up to, had gone missing and then was found dead. My dad and stepmom then lost their baby boy, a little brother that I will never get see grow up. And of course, our girls passed just two weeks before their delivery. If 2016 was that bad, the future will only be worse. If I manage to live a while, I will see more friends pass. Then comes my elderly family, and mentors. Then my parents. Maybe my own wife, or my siblings. Death doesn't scare me personally, but I fear so much the loss of those around me, and this fear keeps me up at night.
I feel as if all of this will move me to the edge, at some point.
Yet, I know that instead of being like stupid me in the river, trying to work my distress out on my own, I need to be like Peter sinking below the waves. As he sank to his doom, Scripture says the following: “he (Peter) cried out ‘Lord, save me’. Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying ‘Why did you doubt?’ Then they got into the boat, and the wind ceased. Those in the boat worshiped him, saying ‘Truly, you are the Son of God.’”
On top of this, I have had the horrible realization that death will only continue to get worse as I age. In 2016, people experienced a lot of loss. I found out that someone that I had been close to, and looked up to, had gone missing and then was found dead. My dad and stepmom then lost their baby boy, a little brother that I will never get see grow up. And of course, our girls passed just two weeks before their delivery. If 2016 was that bad, the future will only be worse. If I manage to live a while, I will see more friends pass. Then comes my elderly family, and mentors. Then my parents. Maybe my own wife, or my siblings. Death doesn't scare me personally, but I fear so much the loss of those around me, and this fear keeps me up at night.
I feel as if all of this will move me to the edge, at some point.
Yet, I know that instead of being like stupid me in the river, trying to work my distress out on my own, I need to be like Peter sinking below the waves. As he sank to his doom, Scripture says the following: “he (Peter) cried out ‘Lord, save me’. Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying ‘Why did you doubt?’ Then they got into the boat, and the wind ceased. Those in the boat worshiped him, saying ‘Truly, you are the Son of God.’”
I have been sinking, almost to a point
where I would be stuck in the mud on the bottom. Instead, I know that I must continue to cry
out to the Lord, asking for his hand of mercy and salvation, to pull
me out of the water. I need to remember that he is truly the Son of
God, and that I should not doubt. I need to remember he is the God of
life, and not of death.
That is the hard part. Just calming
myself, and letting him take control. I know I SHOULD do it, but it
is a matter of actually going through with it.
If anyone reads this, I want them to know that yes, I am sad. I am crushed. I feel like it is never going to end in my mind. BUT, I am not giving up on life. I am not giving up on my family. I am not giving up on God. I just need to say what's been eating away at me. It is how I release my stress, and deal with my situations.
If you feel that I have been in a funk, or acting weird - don't worry, I know. Just please bear with me while I try to let things get worked out in my heart and my head. I promise I will do my best not let things get the better part of me.
If anyone reads this, I want them to know that yes, I am sad. I am crushed. I feel like it is never going to end in my mind. BUT, I am not giving up on life. I am not giving up on my family. I am not giving up on God. I just need to say what's been eating away at me. It is how I release my stress, and deal with my situations.
If you feel that I have been in a funk, or acting weird - don't worry, I know. Just please bear with me while I try to let things get worked out in my heart and my head. I promise I will do my best not let things get the better part of me.
