Name and Tree

'What's in a name?' the oft asked question goes,
But for me, a name is meaningless.

I have removed the very mention of your name from mind
My heart
My very being.

It was a name I could repeat with ease
A name that made the heart skip and the butterflies flutter
It was a name I hoped to have beside mine,
'Until death do us part'.

But that time has come and gone.
As it was written:
'The wind blows, and we are gone— 
 as though we had never been here.'

And you are gone.
Your name is gone off my tongue.

Yet, a promise remains in my heart.

Young lovers make many an empty promise;
'I'll love you forever', 
'I'll never leave you', 
'You're the only one for me'.

We made many more.
Those, like your name, have passed from my mind.
Our love ran dry, long ago.

 But this one thing remains:
A promise made on the loneliest of roads, in the loneliest of times,
Yet life was content, with you at my side.

We drove, no cares in the world
Flipping through the radio stations,
Singing those silly songs.

Cracking the windows, you let the summer breeze flow
Your hair blowing in the wind,
Blue sweet summer sky sparkled in your eyes

You took my hand in yours
Soft, caressing, gentle

'Baby' you spoke softly 'pull over here'.

In the shade of a tree, we stopped.
And in the shade of a tree,we made a lasting connection

'When you pass this tree, in person or in thought' you said,
gesturing to the lonely tree in a sea of nothingness

'Remember me. Think of me. Pray for me'

I nodded with a smile.
'What a silly request' I thought, however, to myself.

'Baby, I'd do anything for you.' I assured you.

The latter faded, but the former stayed,
I cannot explain why.

I doubt I'll travel that lonely country highway in person again
But in my mind, my heart, my memories,
 I travel it often.

I traveled it today.

And I thought of you.
I remembered your face for a quick moment
And I prayed to God above, for you.

I never uttered your name,
 But I kept my promise.

And as your name further fades from my mind,
I'll still be reminded of you.
 I'll still pray for you,
Where ever you may be.

Your face will turn to a blur,
Your voice will be forgotten,
I will never, ever love you again

But I will keep this promise,
'til my breath and soul escape my body.

  What is in a name? This, I do not know.
Perhaps we should consider 'What is in a promise, under a tree?'

And perhaps we'll never know, this side of paradise.

A moment or two of silence

I live in a hustle bustle world. I live in a very fast paced city. Everyone is always on the go. Everything is always moving. Life here is quite noisy.


My life is quite noisy.  On an average day I have my ear buds plugged in jamming the latest and greatest on my Metro commutes, or periodically through out the work day. The average day will see me coming home to turn on my computer and my tv. My computer will play a tv show or music, while my TV plays a game. My mind is entrenched deeply in both. Heck, even as I write this I have music going. I can't even sleep without the sound of the fan above.


My life is very noisy. And I hate the quiet now. Not hate, more like I am annoyed by the quiet.  And so this makes things a little difficult when I pray. See, I am expecting God to be as active in response to me, as my mind is in engaging in prayer. But God is oddly quiet lately. 




And then it dawned on me tonight why God is so quiet. Once He spoke so loudly in my life, right? What happened to that? I believe it is the very fact that i have given my attention to so many things that are not God. I don't rest my mind or heart. I don't unplug from the noise. How can I hear His voice when all the voices of this world drown his out?


I look back at times of growth with my Lord. They are during times of isolation or solitude. Not solitude from people (even though that had to happen in one case), but solitude from the world. I look back at how the Lord saved me, in a time of solitude prayer. I look back at a time of immense growth and submission on the mission field.  I was surrounded by people and scenery, but it all faded out in comparison to the Lord. I look back to when I was consumed with another person. God removed that relationship, to grow me beyond my shortsightedness. When I was stagnant in life and faith, he isolated me from all that gave me comfort and threw me into a new wilderness.

And now, I have allowed myself to slowly slip away, drawn by those things of this world....And He has isolated his voice from my life. Not his presence, but his voice. I can still feel Him, but simply cannot hear him. And odd experience, to say the least.  I was very worried about this, until earlier. An old, familiar verse, but a powerful one at that, crept into my mind.

"Be still and know that I am God."

And so shall it be. I MUST do this. I must hear His voice speaking into my life again.

Goodnight, Light

Goodnight, Light

A whisper, a smile
A thought, a prayer

A spark to start a fire
A wind to carry the flame

Spreading, consuming
Devouring.

Scorch the earth
Blaze with fury

Ashen remains
Blackened void.

Passion,
Burning passion
You consumed
You devoured

I am a man burned.
Burned again.

Thrice, sparks ignited.
Thrice, inferno raged.
Thrice, fiery death scourged the land.

Thrice, I have look to the heavens for relief.

Merciful God,
Where hast Thou been?
Why hast Thou withheld the rains?
Did Thy hands not fills the oceans with every drop?
Did Thy hands not fill the earth in judgement?
And part the seas in mercy?
Did Thy Son not calms the seas and walk on the waves?
Why then hast Thou kept even a drop from my tongue?

O' Lord
Where are you in my time of need?
Where is my rescue?

Have I not been faithful in trusting you?
Have I not delivered my concerns to you?

Yet, here I stand alone.

The light you placed with in me,
It sputters.
No tinder remains to keep it lit.
For that was consumed.

What shall I do?
Fall to my knees? Confess some hidden sin?
Read a passage of the Word? Sing a song of praise?

How can I?

I trusted you as I began to entrust my heart to another?
But I have been played the fool. Again.

Again, Again, Again.

Goodnight, Light.
You once were bright
Now you fight,
Fight for life.

Goodnight, Light.

Hopeless

Life, at times, seems very hopeless. A feeling of hopelessness has crept into my life over the last week or so. After all, a lot of things have been going very badly. I've been sick, been struggling with a bit of loneliness, been unhappy with being immobile (stupid car). Not only that, but there has been a family member who in the hospital with a very serious condition. It has really be a trying time.

Tonight, things got a little more rough.  One of the students that I mentor through Young Life came over, and we had a discussion about his life. The gist of the conversation was in regards to sense of no hope in life. I can't go into much details about what was said, but it truly broke my heart. To see him start to cry because he live a life like everyone else, destroyed me! I had to keep back from bawling my eyes. I love this guy like a little brother. Seeing him suffer causes me to suffer with him.

He went on to talk about how he felt that sometimes God was distant.  I think we all have these moments. For most, it goes a little like this:

"God, I didn't get X! Where are you?"

Sadly, I have heard that many times in my life. I have even said it a few times. How spoiled and foolish to think that God doesn't love us because we don't get what we want. Imagine a child questioning whether their parent loved them, because the parent gave them vegetables instead of sweets. It is the same reasoning, really.

My friend, however, wasn't having this type of moment. It was a genuine cry out. "Everything is falling apart. I can't see the light. God, where are you?"

I don't think it is coincidental that all of this lined with today and this weekend. We know the story of Christ's crucifixion. He was killed for our sins, an rose again. The end. But we also miss so much of the human experience that happened at the same time. I fully believe that Mary, Peter, John, Thomas, etc all had this moment of hopelessness. Not just a moment, but days of hopelessness. Mary watched her beloved son beat, and killed. How much more hopeless can you get than to be a parent watching your child being killed, and not being able to do anything about it? I can't even imagine the pain, the agony! That is a moment of hopelessness.

The disciples spent 3 years of their lives with Jesus. They gave up everything to follow him. They grew to see him as a mentor, a friend, a companion, and as their Lord. They believed with their whole hearts that he was going to change the world, and bring them something wonderful. Yet, they scattered in fear and disbelief as their master and friend was killed. They hid, not sure what to think or what to do next. They only knew that the only thing that mattered to them, was now dead. They had nothing left to hope for. Absolutely nothing.

Yet, we know this all changed. Something amazing happened. It wasn't just that a man came back from the dead. It was that they realized that God truly does keep His word. They realized that their hope had been placed in something which was temporary. Yet, when Christ arose, they realized that they had limited vision prior. It was such a revelation that they ended up being a force unlike what has been seen on the earth. The boldly went about preaching, healing, and living the life that Christ taught to them. Why? Not because it is a happy, feel good message. No, there is hope in Christ. There is ONLY hope in Christ. Christ is the only hope. There was no hope in the earthly kingdom they imagined him bringing. There was no hope in the powers they imagined they would acquire. There was no hope in riches, or fame. No hope in theology or government.

No, there was only hope in Christ then. There is only hope in Christ now. There will only ever be hope in Christ, ever.

Outside of the work of Christ on the Cross and His victorious Resurrection, there is absolutely no hope. And sadly, most people will never know this hope. They move from temporary thing to temporary thing, trying to find something new to give them hope. They are like locusts moving from field to field, to feed. In the end, there are no more fields to feed on.

Yet, those of us in Christ will never go hungry. We will never have to go to another field. No, we are not like locusts at all. Christ is our only Hope. We need nothing else.


I hope my friend will learn this lesson from my example. I pray to God that I can show Him how Jesus is far more superior than what he believes he is missing out on. I pray that he, and others, will see the futility of trusting and hoping in the perishable things of life, and cling to the everlasting hope of a victorious Savior.

Happy Easter.

Via Dolorosa

The Way of Grief

A path I have trekked many times in my life

My footprints litter the ground before me.

My first steps were from walking along the crowd

Focused on the show,

But never seeing what it was all about.

Unaware that every step

Takes me closer to the end.

Kyrie Eleison,

Lord have mercy on me!

A sinner unaware of the path he stumbles down!

Another set of prints in the dust

Mark a life of mockery

A man no longer content with walking

I lead the way, in front of the Christ

Sprinting towards demise

Spewing hatred and lies

The cross He bears,

It is engraved with my name.

I run towards perdition and darkness

Free of care

Full of wickedness

Unaware that he carries that which belongs to me.

As I run faster towards the end

I hear a whisper in the end

My name echoes throughout the narrow passage ways

Along the Way of Sorrows.

I turn and see Him reaching his hand out

Begging me to slow down

"Stop! Before you reach the end.

Wait! Before you break my heart!

You don't know where you are going"

Taunting turns to silence

Who is this man?

Why does he warn me of the danger ahead?

Did I not mock Him? Did I not curse Him?

I stand back,

Letting him pass.

As He walks by,

I see destiny engraved in the wood

Splinters broke his skin,

blood and sweat smeared the tree

Yet, I saw it clearly marked.

My name etched deep into the wood

Crimson stained.

He carried that which was mine.

Dread and sorrow grip me

Legs too weak to hold me any longer

I drop down to the dry, coarse dust beneath me

The sky above me is clear

The sounds of the crowd slip away

Looking up, I realize what is happening

An innocent man is being charged with my crimes.

Why? Why does He carry it for me?

Do they know they have the wrong man?

Should I man up and take back my what I own?

Or should I run away. Another man is taking my punishment.

I am free to go! I can go continue to live how I want!

I pick myself up and dust off,

Turning to walk away a soldier stops me

"Where do you think you are going?

You will help the criminal carry His cross"

"No! You cannot make me!" My reply shouts back

I attempt to escape, but am quickly subdued.

They carry me to the man Jesus,

Telling me to help Him up.

And now I am helping a man bear the burden that I solely deserve.

I am helping him walk towards His death.

MY death.

The death that I should taste.

Yet, he doesn't speak of word of accusation towards me.

He just grunts as we load the cross on our backs.

I look at him in the face,

Bloodied and bruised.

A foul stench escapes from his wounds

The heat bears down on us

and the dust dries our throats.

I wish to speak to him

But even air has trouble escaping my mouth.

He looks back to me, then past me.

I turn my head and see a woman in mourning.

Grief flows from her heart.

Her beloved son, treated as a criminal

Flesh ripped open for the trespasses of another man.

Where is the justice, in condemning this woman's son?

Guilt and accusations barrage my heart

"This should be me" I whisper to myself.

What have I done?

What am I doing?

How can I allow us to get closer to the end?

A hill rises before us,

The city fades behind.

Mere steps separate us from our destination.

I look over at him again

His eyes pierce my soul.

His gaze reaches into my innermost places

Before I even speak a word,

He knows what I am about to say.

"This is no longer yours to carry."

Stunned, I watch as His lifts the burden off my shoulders

He struggles uphill.

The soldiers push me down, out of the way

As they rush to strike Him more.

Their laughter rattles in my heart.

Their laughter, my laughter.

Their mockery, my mockery.

His innocence, my cross.

The world spins around me.

I cannot take it any longer.

"THAT IS MY CROSS! THAT IS MY CROSS!"

I rush up the hill, yelling like a madman.

"Give me what I deserve! That is MY CROSS!"

A soldier punches me, then shoves me to the ground.

My head strikes the earth with force.

I look up, the world blurred and doubled,

Yet I see Him clearly.

His lips move slightly

"I am making you free. Go and be free"

Tears roll down my face, dotting the dried dirt.

I reach out towards Him,

But soon find myself tumbling as the soldiers kick me down the hill.

"Father, forgive them!"

The words pierce my ears as I black out.

Kyrie Eleison,

Lord have mercy on me!

A sinner who now knows the price that was paid for freedom!

And now I stand looking at the path before me.

I see the steps I have walked before.

Beside them, I see a line in the sand.

Evidence of a heavy burden being dragged alongside.

Here I am,

Another morning

Another chance to bear this cross of mine.

But this is not a cross of condemnation.

It is of freedom.

I am free,

Thanks to One who bore what was mine

on the Via Dolorosa.

Leading from the knees

There was something I heard a few years back, as a student leader in a campus ministry. It was a lesson that I "got". It made sense. It was practical, yet thought provoking.

Yet, I didn't apply it to my life. Not until after a dream I had last night. I will first tell the dream, then get into the lesson.

So I was in this building. I am assuming it was a Church, or a place where people gathered for Church. I was there and it felt familiar but uncomfortable. I was sitting in the back, when all of a sudden the Holy Spirit came over me. I fell to the ground, and people were around me asking what I was doing. I was in sort of a prostrated position, and was worshipping in a tongue. Then I was filled with inspiration to preach two passages from 1 Corinthians. One was 13:11, and the other was 11:23 to the end of the chapter.

So I got up, and was looking for a Bible to read from. There was already a man preaching, but I needed to find this Bible and speak from it! So I was going through all these books in this 'church'. Many of them were like self help sort of books. Finally I found a Bible! But when I went to the passages, they were not in there! I went through all the Bibles, but these passages were not in there! In fact, there were so many things not in there. All that was in the Bibles were nice passages of feel good things. I felt so mad! And so so upset! And I started speaking that which was on my heart, and people started leaving the Church angry.

Then I woke up. Now, when you read those verses, you'll read about putting away childish things and examining yourself before taking communion. These two verses are seemingly unrelated. In fact, I wondered all day why I had this dream. For a while, I felt a prophetic call! I was going to tell other Christians how bad they were, and they need to repent and turn to true faith.

Yet, in one of God's whacky, heavenly humor moments, I had this pie thrown back in my face. In fact, it was more like I was going to throw the pie, except I fell over my own feet and landed face first in the pie. Tasty, yet highly embarrassing. I was put in my place by a friend. She read the dream in an email, and the only thing she could say was "It sounds like you might need to repent".

Uh. What?!? ME? What did I do? I wanted to throw that opinion out the door. How stupid!

Yet those words have cut me to the heart all day. So much so, that the only thing on my mind from about 10 this morning until I got home was getting home to prostrate before God in humble submission, to confess my sins.

That is where my lesson comes in. See, I learned about a guy named Nehemiah. He was pretty legit, being the cup bearer to one of the most powerful men in the known world. Not only that, but he did lots of other things....Enough things to warrant a book in the Bible about what he did.

Here is how that book starts:

When I (Nehemiah) heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven. Then I said:

“LORD, the God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel. I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my father’s family, have committed against you. We have acted very wickedly toward you. We have not obeyed the commands, decrees and laws you gave your servant Moses.

Whoa! Not exactly the way I would start a story about myself. Where are the riches? The babes? The guns? The Star Wars references?

Yet, this is how Nehemiah begins! A man who is weeping. Not only weeping, but fasting, mourning and praying for days. Most people have problems fasting one meal or praying more than 5 or 10 mins! Yet Nehemiah was so distraught that he did these things for days.

And what does he do next? He affirms the greatness of God and then confesses sins. Not just his sin. But his father's family sins, and ALL of Israel's sins against God.

Now let me give you a bit of background here. What were these sins? Primarily idolatry. It is the sin that always gets Israel in trouble. God delivered them from Pharaoh, only for them to worship a golden calf! God gives them a new land to live and worship Him, only for the to worship the gods of the people they warred against. And here they were again, worshiping everyone and everything that wasn't YHWH.

Pretty rotten stuff, if you ask me. Enough to make pious man or woman upset, but why was Nehemiah so upset?

God rose nations against Israel and everyone was put in captivity. The consequences of the sin were in full effect. The Holy City fell to pagans. The wall was knocked down, and more filth infiltrated into the Temple. Sin ran rampant. And the Israelites were paying for the sin of their nation.

So here is Nehemiah, begging God to forgive the sins of the people of Israel. What does God do? Well, evidently the pleas for mercy and grace fall on loving ears, because the rest of Nehemiah unfolds in a most excellent way. Nehemiah is given permission to return to Jerusalem. Once he gets there, he begins to rebuild the walls, despite much opposition. And something magnificent happens! All those who mocked him became frightened when they saw the work he was doing, because they knew YHWH was behind the work!

Now, after the wall was completed, Nehemiah began to read the law to the people. For hours they stood, listened, and worshiped the LORD. Then they confessed their sins before each other and before God.

From one man's repentant heart there came a wave of change to the people. Because one man saw his sin, and the sin of those around him, things changed. The people came back to the LORD.

This is a lesson for the leaders in all ministries to learn. If you want to see the people turn to the LORD, you must lead them there from YOUR KNEES. You cannot simply lead them from a pulpit or position of authority. You cannot lead them truth, by fancy words or convincing arguments. For if you were to work with an unrepentant heart, you would be look like the Jews in the eyes of their enemies. Their enemies saw a weak people, putting a bunch of stones on each other. The stones were so weak, that even a fox could make them crumble. YET, through the power of God, the city was restored, and the wall was made impressive.

If we try to bring the Gospel to people, without first confessing the sins of our lives, our churches, and our country, we will work in futility. In fact, I think we can see this happening already! Yet, if we confess our sins, and make our need known, God will do amazing things.

I know that I have had to confess a lot of things tonight. A lot of things that I didn't want to bring to light in my own mind, let alone to bring them to God. But, I know that if I am to be used by God to spread the message of His Gospel, then I need to confess my ways.I need to examine my heart. I need to move away from childish things. I need to do this and that. And by the grace of God, this impossible task, which may look foolish to the word, will be completed. And if He is willing, I pray that many will be drawn to Him by my efforts.

If you've read this, I hope that is your prayer as well.

But come, let us begin to lead the people back, by falling to our knees and cry out to God with our sins!

Be Blessed.

Thomas

Digging in the Past

I've always been fascinated with the past. I am, in short, a history nerd. I was the kid digging deep in books, and then deep in the ground. I always tried to find some sort of treasure, lost city, or even skeletons of ancient people! As I grew older, the little boy lived on in me. I still love history...and if I had a shovel and my own yard, I would love digging around in it for clues about the past.

As my studies have matured and deepened, I have thought more and more about how we in the present view those people in the past.We gather various clues, and from those clues we try to paint a picture of them. Often times, this picture looks very exotic and different from us. I mean our culture doesn't go around building pyramids, making mummies, worshipping animal deities, or any of that sort. That is something of the past! And we don't go around fighting to the death in sports arenas, like the Romans. Or building giant statues to god and godesses. Right?

Wrong!!!!

We are just like the ancients!

Examples:


This is a statue of America's First President, George Washington. He looks a lot like Zeus!!!




And this? It is another monument to George Washington:


If someone 2000 years in the future saw these things, then what do you think they would imagine? That Americans had a god named Washington, I am sure!!! Why else would they have statues and monuments of such a person?

And if future humans saw this:



Would they think it different from this:



????


Would they consider these guys:



Different from these:


Maybe. Maybe not. I often wonder whether or not we will be seen by the future humans in the same light as what we see when we look at the past.

But what am I getting at with this?? Well I think that maybe we Christians are like students of history. Sometimes we only get a portion of the story, and we try to make a whole picture out of it! For instance, a Christian might see a young girl who is pregnant, or just had a baby. A lot of times the Christian will think badly of her. "Oh here is a girl that must be a slut. She can't keep her legs closed, and now she has a baby." They made a story without knowing all the details. Maybe the girl was a virgin and saving herself, but got raped. And instead of aborting the baby, she wanted to keep it and raise it.

Or maybe we see a man on the street, begging for money. The thought might be that he is some bum who is too lazy to work, or did drugs and was put on the streets or something like this. But maybe he had a family. Maybe he had a home. Maybe he lost it all due to circumstances beyond his control.

And of course, the same is true for people who look good. We see the rich, young, beautiful couple in Church. They have a nice car, house, and good jobs. Obviously, they are good people, and God is blessing them with these things. Right? Perhaps! Or maybe the husband is cheating on his wife, who is only going to church to try and keep their marriage together.

We really don't know about any of these cases, minus the limited details we have briefly observed. This brings to me a few verses in the Bible. One is obviously Matthew 7:1: "Judge not, lest ye be judged." Pretty straight forward. We shouldn't go around passing judgements on people. Why? They can easily do the same towards us. Maybe people see me doing something, and assume me to be a bad man. I don't want that!

Another verse:

Titus 3:1-7
Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.

At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

I love this verse so much! Everytime I feel the urge to think negatively about a person (read: judge), I remember paraphrase this verse in my heart "you were once like them, but JESUS saved you by His Mercy!!!!" Essentially, I am just like the person I was wanting to judge. I am not any different than they are! I just have been saved by Grace, but not my works. Therefore, what grounds do I have to say this person is bad? Or another is good?

I wanted to write this as a reminder: Always be gentle with those in sin. Their sin is sin, no doubt. And we should warn them of the dangers of sin, as there are very real consequences to sin. But let us remember the sins in our life. Let us remember the bad things that have come our way. Let us remember all that, and show compassion to those who are trapped in this world and have not had the Gospel impact their lives.

Blessings,

Tom